Books

I'm often one of the last people to jump on a trend. But when I was traveling this summer I ran out of books that I brought with me and purchased a copy of "The Shack" in the airport. I've heard lots about it but I typically avoid buying books. I love reading and frankly it is one of the ways God speaks to me. It doesn't seem to matter what kind of book he shows me truth about the world I am in the middle of through characters, their experiences and through non-fiction.

So I've read it once and I found it so packed with profound statements I was overwhelmed. I mean how to digest it all? I was talking with God a few weeks after finishing it and he told me to read it again. This time underlining and writing in it. I've spent the last week slowly going back through it letting more of it sink in.

There's so much there related to my should's and freedom and understanding that God does not seek to burden us.  I keep chewing on it. Pondering truth is so much better than pondering shoulds.

I had a major realization this week. (Well actually I've had a lot, my world is in an uproar this week) Has it ever occurred to anyone that church and introverts are not exactly a friendly mix? I am an introvert. Some would argue with me but I can tell you that large groups scare me to death. I can handle it because I've pushed myself for years to learn how to function in the extroverted world. Yet that does not mean that church is any less depleting. I did an internet search and to my huge relief there are many other people out there who feel the same way. In contrast I love, love, love little groups of people. A few friends meeting for dinner, talking, worshiping together. This all relates to the what do I do about church attendance dilemma. I'm totally up for trying a home church. It's sounds completely appealing. I know it can be a really positive way to grow with other believers but how in the world do I find one? I wonder how God is going to provide? I wonder which way this is going to head? But I'm ready for something different.

Spinning

I can't quiet figure out what's going on with me right now. I've felt like this before where I want so much of God. I am hungry for him to fill me and I want to be close to him all the time. I crave quiet alone time with him and I'm actually getting lots of it. I'm alone a lot right now and part of me likes it that way. Another side chastens me that I should be spending time with other believers and I should be building friendships and giving to others...And then I fight back I do give to others. My entire work week is me pouring into my staff, listening to them, getting things done for them, ministering to them. And so when I'm not working I just want to curl up with God and be still and move slowly next to him. And take my time in the grocery store and relish moments when the demands to give are less.

I haven't been going to church. I just can't bring myself to. I don't want to be there. Well I do. I want to have the music and the worship but none of the people. I don't want to have to have silly conversations...wait let me be real...they're not even conversations, they are polite greetings of hello, how are you? There's no depth, which could be completely argued is my fault. I'm not giving anything to the people there. I'm not investing. But I'm tired. I don't have it to invest. Part of me really wants to. I want friendships and people who know my heart but there's only so much energy and resources inside this heart of mine. I give to my son, I give to Joseph, I give at work and Sunday mornings alone with God has become this precious life giving time. I look forward to being on the couch for hours, talking with him, reading His word and sipping on coffee, listening to his voice, it's way more precious than showing up at church. I haven't been in weeks and the only reason I feel bad about it is because I have this sense of "I should be part of the body". I can't stand should's. They get me in trouble, well making decisions based on them gets me in trouble, it gets me bound up in chains and jailed in and God wants freedom for his children.

I don't want to feel torn anymore. When I ask God about church he doesn't give me a clear answer. He talks about other things. He talks about focusing on getting enough sleep, eating right, breathing deeply. He tells me to focus on being. I think he's letting me wrestle with my own should's. When I focus on being and not doing, cause I keep ask him what I need to "do" about church, do I go somewhere else, do I keep staying home, do I go back. He avoids it all. It makes me chuckle now. I'm sure at some point this will all be clear in hindsight. So I feel the weight of a should and I can't seem to release myself from it's grip. I don't feel like God is placing it on me. I feel like I'm pulling it on myself. Maybe that's his point to show me how I burden myself more than he burden's me. I can't seem to get away from trying to live by the demands of society or Christendom. We need the body but aren't we to need him more than even the body? hmmm...round and round my mind goes, where it stops I sure don't know.

I spend time with God in the mornings before work but it's nothing like what I get to do on Sunday mornings. There's no where to be. There's no demands on my time. It is glorious. Hours of uninterrupted time to talk with Him, to listen to dig into His written word. I love it so much more than being at church. I don't want to feel guilty about luxuriating in hours of intimacy with Him. But I do every week. The anxiety builds over the weekend, I ponder, should I stay home, should I go and then when Sunday arrives and I get up at 8 and I start spending time with him I just can't stop and I don't get dressed and I don't go and I love being with him but I can't escape the nagging anxiety that somehow I am "sinning". I know at least I am not disobeying because He doesn't say a darn thing on the matter. Except for what it explicitly states in the Word about being connected to other believers. But that doesn't have to mean church per se...see my mind spinning again. Ugh! I'm going back to reading the Word, I've had enough internal battle on this topic for one morning.

I signed up for this?

God never promises happiness here on earth. Why do we Christians sell that stuff? I mean I am very certain that walking with God is hard work. He allows a whole bunch of experiences that I would rather pass on. But I don't have that choice and when I gave myself over to be His I agreed to life on His terms, not mine. This is hard work, obedience, going with his flow, fighting the battles he puts in front of me is effort. I mean I could fight him on it and try to tell him I'm not walking this path but I've rebelled before and if I think this is hard that is pure misery.

Confusion

I don't know what to say but I feel so very much the need to write. I've been devouring the Word the last few days but it brings me little comfort. I don't know what I'm looking for. Relief maybe, so much emotion for unknown reasons. I mean the tears come so easily for no reason at all. There's this weight of responsibility that I can't seem to get away from. Lord take every task, point out the first things to do and relieve me from this false idea that success or failure rests on me. It is a lie, you carry the world, I need to obey, I need to move slowly and intentionally. But I keep taking it all on me. So disasterous. I was going to say not helpful but that would be a terrible understatement. Let it go Abbie stop controlling, stop being afraid. When did the agreement with fear happen? Long, long ago, you were little and he offered to always warn you as long as you would let him be in charge.

GOD! Really !!! Free me I beg you from that agreement made as a child. Lord in the power of your blood I ask you to break that agreement with Fear. He cannot be in control. Only you, only you can be in charge of me. I break the agreement in the name of Jesus by his shed blood. You have no more power over me or my thoughts, will, emotions, actions, you have no influence over me. I bind with you all replacements, backups, minions or related spirits that have come to destroy. I bind you and cast you at the feet of Jesus to be judged and dealt with. You have no power over me any more.

God I thank you that you work outside of time and space and can redeem foolish childhood agreements. Thank you that you can remove the power of the enemy no matter when he moved in and when he began his influence. Thank you that you desire freedom for me and in every area of my life. Thank you for loving me so much that you showed me this time and the agreement that was made. Thank you for sweeping through my heart and mind and will and spirit and removing any graces of fear. Lord fill the places he has left with secure trust in you with profound belief in your goodness. Thank you for answering my prayer that I would trust you more. Please fill me afresh with your holy spirit and sweep away the remnants of fear. Change any beliefs that persits that he has twisted and make me believe all the is true and right and good.

Thanksgiving

A week ago I was feeling at the end of my rope. So much stress, so uncertain about how a lot of situations could possibly come to a positive resolution. It was Sunday. I'd been struggling all weekend with my emotions. And the sermon was just what I needed to hear. Thanking God. I had become so bogged down in the problems that I was not longer being thankful for the abundance I already have and the provision that was sure to come.

I think the thing that was lurking in my mind the most was if God was punishing me. Since becoming a parent almost three years ago I have realized so  many new dynamics and one of those is natural consequences. I mean I've taught parents about natural consequences but you don't really realize how many they are and how effective they are until you start using them. So I couldn't help but wonder if the stress, the challenges, the things that kept falling apart were natural consequences for something I had messed up. Some kind of choice I had made and now He was letting me suffer the results of choices. It took me several days to finally ask God if that was the case. It was during the service on Sunday morning. And the answer was no, I was being tested, He didn't say much beyond that but then Cade began to preach. And it was obvious. Could I praise him no matter what? Could I trust him and believe he is good in the midst of all things? So then and there I started thanking him for all the positive that was going on. Soon enough my perspective was changing.

And within hours the resolutions started pouring in. Not that this is some kind of recipe for getting answers but the change in my spiritual and emotional state was answer enough. And I just keep thanking Him because though things seem hard in spots right now I am learning so many good lessons. I am having to be self-disciplined. There is so much goodness coming out of the challenges. But without a thankful heart I become an emotional stressed out mess. Which is a dreadful way to live. And it's not how He wants us to live. He wants us to have joy in all circumstances and he tells us how by praising him no matter what is going on in the world.

Changed into a different person

1 Samuel 10:6 "At that time the Spirit of the Lord will come powerfully upon you, and you will prophesy with them. You will be changed into a different person."

When God's Spirit comes people change. When you come face to face with the mighty presence of God there is no other response. I've been seeing this in the scriptures and I've been reading about this in a book called "God Chasers".

I need, long for, cry out in desperation that God's Spirit will intensify around my son that he has no option but to be changed.

It's Complicated

I've been reading the Word consistently for almost three months now. I'm using an app on my iPhone that keeps track of it all and though I've missed days I get caught up and it's good it's really good. A couple weeks ago I started going to a Friday night young adult group. I had been going to one Wednesdays but work was constantly conflicting with going regularly, either I was out of town, going to a Board of Directors meeting or getting ready to go out of town. So I prayed that God would show me a group of adults that I could connect with and talk to regularly.

My first night there JD talked about how God has been calling him to fast and he challenged us to spend the next day asking God if and how we could fast as well. The next day God and I had a great talk and identified that I would give up some sleep. I would get up earlier and I would pray for my son.

We're hitting a crisis point and the only one that can change my son's heart is God. My son has determined that he is going to try to get away with deception and half hearted efforts in school. He is disrespectful to me and pushing every boundary. More than that he is breaking my heart.

In the last month God has placed the most glorious blessing in my life. A man who loves God and walks with him every day and he likes me! He wants to know what's going on in my heart. He points me to God when I'm struggling. He prays for me. He tells me about his talks with God. He's like no one I've ever met or pictured myself with. Here I am prim proper mid-western girl glowing because of a guy who has tattoos all over him, facial hair and a life story that will make my parents cringe. But God has knit together a man that is so intelligent, can run multiple businesses at once, is a carpenter and artist, he reads several books at the same time and actually understands all the jargon and politics on FoxNews. He has learned lessons the hard way and as a result follows hard after God. He is the three things I've always said I wanted: Loves and Walks with God, has intellectual curiosity and a teachable heart.

And my son, whom I love, whom God has called me to raise, wants nothing to do with him.

And I am powerless. I am at the end of myself. I cannot change my son's heart, only God can and I ache in pain that the man who I adore is rejected by my son.

So God knew what he was doing when he told me to pray for my son and his heart and that God would get hold of him. And since I started my sleep fast I have been under attack. The enemy is furious. He is furious about how God has blessed me and determined to take out the good things in my life.

Next week it will be officially a year since I was given my dream job. In the last two weeks there have been intense challenges at work. The wonderful result of spending time with God every morning is that I have emotionally gone through the challenges better than I imagined I would. But I am being stretched, I am so at the end of myself. He is the provider. He has the answers for my workplace. He can transform my son's heart but in the meantime it's hard, it's complicated and I am handling some moments in tears, others in joy and some in frustration.

The enemy seeks to take out all good things. But God is bigger, stronger, more powerful and already the victor. I will give over these challenges to him. I will resist taking them back and trying to "fix" it myself. I will thank God ahead for all the solutions he is going to provide.

Listen to His Voice

Oh I am so excited!!! Dueteronomy 13:4 in several versions, clear as day: "Serve only the Lord your God and fear him alone. Obey his commands, listen to his voice and cling to him."  He speaks, all the time, clear as day. His voice is available to all. and we are commanded to listen and obey not just the written word but his spoken word.

Every word in the Bible is true but he is still talking and teaching and speaking and part of following him is listening and then doing. It's so good to find such a clear directive.

I've been listening to his voice since I was a child and if you know any small children they may tell you that they hear God speak too. But something in the earthly church teaches us that he has said everything. That he doesn't speak any more. Now how is the Holy Spirit supposed to counsel us if he can't give us clear direction? How are we to apply the great truths that stand for all time to the intricacies of living without hearing his voice and counsel.

He speaks and we are to listen. And obedience and listening go together.

Magic

We Christians get so uptight about magic. And I don't get it. I'm reading about Moses and there's nothing but magic. Constant miracles, God speaking to him through storms and burning bushes and magic in front of Pharaoh. So let's get real "magic" and "tricks" are benign. The real issue is who is using magic, why and for what purpose? Are we as parents teaching our children discernment? Because that's what is needed. We need to explicitly talk about how Satan and those that follow him use "tricks" and "magic" to demonstrate that they have power and entice others to join them. The enemy is going to use any means to get people to corrupt their lives and their walk, he uses food, music, work all things that God has deemed good. But God uses "magic" too. We just label them as miracles, so then there's no issue for us as Christians. It's craziness! Why do we villanize magic, it in itself is not the problem. The evil is in the heart and purpose behind the magic.

I think we Westerners are just so fearful of all the ways in which God works. We are terrified of the mystical and mysterious aspects of God because we crave control and having it all figured out. We have bought into the lie that everything is matter and that there is no spirit. We've let is seep into Christianity and the church. Historically the great saints did not deny miracles and "magic" as a way that God can work too.

I went to Universal Studios and visited the new Wizarding World of Harry Potter. It was wonderful. (I can imagine the anger rising in people now). The buildings were masterfully built with great artistry and that is a gift from God. The rides, the details were cute and enjoyable and fun and God wants us to have fun in life. There did not appear to be any attempts to lure people into witchcraft or sorcery and even if there was it's my job as a parent and a believer to use discernment. I can appreciate what honors God and the gifts he gives people even when it is right next to the enemy's attempts to corrupt people. The burden lies with me to beware, use eagle eyes and identify the difference. Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. I can read books like Twilight and Harry Potter and watch the movies and not allow the enemy to rope me in.

No doubt there are some believers and some people that are vulnerable and not every child can handle some of these things, nor can every adult. That is why a conversational, living relationship with the Holy Spirit is so crucial to getting through this world. The Holy Spirit will tell you what you can handle and what you can't. He will convict, he will guide, he will counsel but are you listening? Am I listening? And then am I willing to obey. Because God is a good parent and he sees the differences in each of us and knows that we all need to be led, disciplined and guided in different ways.

So let's not get freaked out about magic. Let's freak out about relationships with the living God that will tell us what we can handle and what we need to steer clear of. 

Frequency

Numbers 28 gives a detailed description of the sacrifices that the Israelites were to offer to God everyday. There's a ton of them, everyday. And the Holy Spirit stopped me as I was reading and I thought, hmm, do I make a sacrifice even once a day? Really, what do I lay down for God each day? So as the new year begins I feel the need to get serious about sacrifice. I mean God isn't a candy machine but I have to believe that if I give more to Him then my life will change for the better.

Don't mistake me for being discontent. My life right now is amazing. I am the mother to a teenage boy who fills my life with laughter and joy. I have the job of my dreams decades before I even considered it might happen. I have a cozy apartment and want for nothing. Life is so good but there are dreams yet to be fulfilled and I wonder how my obedience and sacrifice tie into that fulfillment.

God has knit me together to desire good things to hope for big accomplishments and I think that being really obedient to him is the only way those things are going to come to pass. And really, setting aside hopes for big stuff, a life of obedience in daily things is only going to help me serve others more, be more levelheaded and remain in joy.

But I continue to battle with myself to do the daily sacrifice, to get up a little earlier, to slow down and pray before interactions with others, to not eat things that my body doesn't need. I am so human and he knows that, perhaps part of the daily sacrifices at the temple was that people living nearby wouldn't be able to ignore the smoke and the smell and that it would intrude into their daily lives as an external prompt. I need more external prompts. I want the frequency of my sacrifice to Him to increase and I need Him to show me how to get that ball rolling. So I will sit and listen and do whatever he tells me to increase the frequency of my personal sacrifice.