The War

"Dear friends, you must remember--the world we live in is a world at war." Walking with God, John Eldredge

Of course, we slide too easily into believing "I am a mistake". It is the enemy's plan. Satan has many tactics but I'm beginning to see that shame is a vicious arrow in his arsenal to wound us, keep us from loving each other, and prevent us from advancing the kingdom. Shame makes us hide, withdraw and disengage. All positions that keep us unable to fight the war for hearts. How many soldiers are being taken out everyday?

I was taken out this week. For quiet a few hours over several days. I was publicly embarrassed by being unaware of some key information. Which happens to most people on plenty of occasions but my brain doesn't leave it there. The initial pain was, "I didn't know", (which is innocuous enough and not necessarily shame inducing) but it quickly moved to: "Because I didn't know I let people down and therefore I am bad". The enemy tapped into the link he set up in my early childhood that letting others down equals being a bad person.

I see now that I skipped over acutely feeling the shame and progressed into anger. I had an easy target. The person who didn't keep me informed, right? Perhaps a human, normal pattern of reacting to this type of situation, but it is incredibly distracting. I seethed with anger for hours, trying to tame my thoughts, stay cool on the outside and move on with day. It didn't work. Instead of being at war against the true enemy I waged a battle in my heart with anger towards another one of God's precious creations. I justified my anger in my own mind. I was completely unable to meaningfully engage with people for the whole day. I was rendered ineffective for the Kingdom.

It wasn't until the next day when, feeling angry again, I paused longer to examine more of the dynamic. Then I realized how this all got started. I felt like a failure, like I was a screw up and inherently incompetent. But initially I had wrongly identified shame as anger. I felt angry but that was only after I felt ashamed. So I acknowledged the shame. I processed the real emotion and the anger faded. But real peace only returned after asking God to forgive me for warring in my heart with another.

And I am hopeful that next time he won't so easily knock me out of the battle.

So far away

I'm crying. I miss my son so much. Telephone calls are not enough. I know for sure that he is exactly where he needs to be but he hasn't lived with me for 11 months now. And prior to that he was only home for a few weeks. It was easier when he was still here in Ketchikan. But now, being a plane ride away, it's just really hard. Since December I've only laid eyes on him for two visits. I want to see him laugh and watch him play soccer and not be calling a locked down facility, getting a ten minute phone call each day. It's just so hard. I cannot imagine how hard it would be if I had actually given birth to him, if I had raised him all 17 years. But it shows me over and over that being a parent can start at any time, with any age child. He's a great kid, with a hard start to life. I love him and I wish that love was enough to turn the tide against the patterns he learned so young. I just want him to grow and learn and make better choices so he can come home and stay home.

The fuzzy difference

"Recognizing we've made a mistake is far different than believing we are a mistake."-Brene Brown

On a page the difference in words is obvious. In our hearts, in our day to day living, well I'm not certain we don't cross back and forth very easily between these two phrases.  Do we even notice? Do I recognize when I'm denigrating myself rather than acknowledging my actions? Am I in tune enough with the beliefs fueling my emotions?

I know I'm not. Moving too fast, having too many demands on my time, it all keeps me from carefully cultivating my heart life. And the more glorious news is that there is someone who knows my heart better than me. I do not have to guard it on my own. I do not have to delve in on my own. I have a guide. God's precious spirit can help me notice, can reveal every thought and belief that will help me stay in the position of knowing I've made mistakes but never, ever, ever AM I a mistake.