Lately I've been reading all sorts of books on my iphone. But I'm cheap so I only download the free ones which basically means you get a pile of old classics. Which is just as well because most of them I haven't read. When you do read these older books you are introduced to entirely different ways to use the English language. I mean people used words differently and strung sentences together differently. So somewhere in the midst of all this reading I must have come across the concept of feeling pulled thin. It's hard to fully describe until you've experienced it and I didn't fully get it when I read it until this week. I feel a taughtness and a stretching in my emotions and my spirit that are best described as being thin. So much that something falling on me the wrong way might shatter me. But it's not a fragile feeling. I've felt fragile before, this is full of tension and stress. But stress really isn't it either. There's so much on my plate and my routine is off because I am spending so much more time with Donovan and the demands seem higher this week and I could ramble on and on but really I want to be restored. I want to return to the stable, healthy, balanced emotional state and spiritual connection that I have when I feel whole and peaceful and all those good warm fuzzy things. But I could live without the warm fuzzy just a release from the sensation that every bit of me is being pulled at. It's too much.
What say ye, Lord? (It's the old books I'm reading, they write things like that :) Peace, my peace be unto you, my peace I leave with you. I do not give as the world gives. Caleb would be happy it worked. He had us sing scripture on Sunday because that's how they used to memorize it a long time ago and that's what came to mind. I can't seem to remember the last part but that's it. He has left me peace. The Holy Spirit is peace and since the Spirit lives in me then there is peace in me.
Ah! this is it: Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. Afraid I'm not troubled yes. His peace wipes out the troubled heart. The Holy Spirit brushes it all away. Oh how truth immediately begins the restoration. Eyes off of earthly trouble and pressure and onto the real bread, the pure truth. It's all easing. Hmm, if it's that simple...but it's not sometimes the agreements are deeper the battle is deeper but tonight it is simple solution and less of a battle. Probably because last night I fought a bigger one. I broke the agreements that I've made and the enemy has less amo to sling against me today.
Oh rejoice my soul. Thank you dear Lord for letting the pressure out of the valve. You know how to heal me and fix me and make me into the loveliest person. So many nice things were said about her tonight and I wonder and hope that the same would be said about me. But I fear not. Wondering doubting...the enemy wants me to devalue myself and I will not succumb. I will not give him what he wants. God is sovereign and I am today exactly as he wants me to be in his imperfect will. Someday in heaven I will be how his perfect will desires me to be. Oh glorious things to look forward to.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
avoidance
I am a writer. I think in story. I feel story. I have a zillion glimpses of stories I'd like to write but nothing that is a complete whole. I started this because I knew I needed to start putting my thoughts out beyond myself and God but then I avoid. I wrote about fear months ago but I am so afraid of rejection, of scorn that I keep it all to myself. And isn't that selfish?
I read C.S. Lewis's Four Loves years ago and I think it did in my mind what it does in everyone's mind it made me question my affections for others and what really drove me to express anything positive towards people. Isn't true that I love myself so much, I seek self-preservation to the nth degree and so I hoard the wisdom.
It's not my wisdom. It's His. He can dispense it as he pleases, pass it around, spread it any which way but he puts some of it in my heart and yet I can write it in lined spiral books that I keep treasured on my shelf but I cannot share. Like a three year old that clings to the dollar store teddy bear that any parent could go out and purchase but I will not let go for just a moment and let the other kid have it while he wails from a scraped knee.
I have a whole collection of ideas for a book. I have note cards filled with topics that all relate to one another. It's all wisdom he's allowed me to collect but do I write? No. I read. I sit and view Facebook or I read old novels. And what's wrong with reading, nothing much but do I read His Word? No that seems scary right now too. I avoid. I push away all that seems too much or potentially painful. As if He would harm me? No. He is good. All good. Even things that seem painful last only for the briefest time and the goodness flows from them.
And He has given me a new heart. I am a new creation. The old has gone the new has come. I have his life and courage and triumph in me because I submit myself to him...but where is my walk? Do I live victoriously? No. Defeated, afraid, pressed, crushed, abandoned. Those seem to fit better but they are not true. I scream at myself that is not truth but something in me has a foothold. I have embraced the lies and the enemy seeks to take over bit by bit of my thoughts and beliefs. And somehow he has crept in again. I made some sort of agreement with him. Somewhere in these last months I embraced his lies and falsehoods. But they are broken in the name of Jesus. The lies hold no victory over me. Jesus blood destroys the bonds and breaks agreements made with the evil one and I am free!
I do not live under the enemies tyranny. I live under the freedom of Christ's life, death, resurrection and ascension. He has give me all power to defeat the evil one who tried to ensnare me again. Oh how frequently he sets the trap. He is a vicious one. And now the battle is clear. The enemy is in my crosshairs.
I tend to think the enemy is myself. But that's not true. He has made me new and yes the flesh, the old nature is not completely gone and there are things that must be addressed but my old nature is not strong enough to give me the battles that I face. I mean fear is far too powerful to come from that shriveled old nature.
And there is the truth. Clear now. Now that I have let him clear the cobwebs from my eyes.
Satan does not want me to write.
I truly do not believe that has ever occurred to me before. I think he allowed me to have my "little journals" as long as I kept them to myself. But to write for others to see that is far too dangerous to his agenda. I have written less this year than I have in ages and the enemy thwarts me. He steals that which connects me most closely to God. If I write and share those writings it might change my life and others lives and that is not something he is willing to risk. I know the writing changes my life. I know that the more I talk with God the more I grow, the more ah, here's a big Christian word, sanctified I become. But I don't know what else to call it. The writing purifies me. To write I have to slow enough to observe my thoughts and as I do that He gives me His truth and shows me how it applies.
I think I remember John writing about the most precious and important things are the things that Satan tries most to oppose. And I feel that...I wonder how often John feels it? Does he feel the enemy battling against the words being put on the page? I know he does. He's asked us to pray when he writes. Who will pray for me? For now I know to ask the Holy Spirit to battle for me in the heavenlies.
I read C.S. Lewis's Four Loves years ago and I think it did in my mind what it does in everyone's mind it made me question my affections for others and what really drove me to express anything positive towards people. Isn't true that I love myself so much, I seek self-preservation to the nth degree and so I hoard the wisdom.
It's not my wisdom. It's His. He can dispense it as he pleases, pass it around, spread it any which way but he puts some of it in my heart and yet I can write it in lined spiral books that I keep treasured on my shelf but I cannot share. Like a three year old that clings to the dollar store teddy bear that any parent could go out and purchase but I will not let go for just a moment and let the other kid have it while he wails from a scraped knee.
I have a whole collection of ideas for a book. I have note cards filled with topics that all relate to one another. It's all wisdom he's allowed me to collect but do I write? No. I read. I sit and view Facebook or I read old novels. And what's wrong with reading, nothing much but do I read His Word? No that seems scary right now too. I avoid. I push away all that seems too much or potentially painful. As if He would harm me? No. He is good. All good. Even things that seem painful last only for the briefest time and the goodness flows from them.
And He has given me a new heart. I am a new creation. The old has gone the new has come. I have his life and courage and triumph in me because I submit myself to him...but where is my walk? Do I live victoriously? No. Defeated, afraid, pressed, crushed, abandoned. Those seem to fit better but they are not true. I scream at myself that is not truth but something in me has a foothold. I have embraced the lies and the enemy seeks to take over bit by bit of my thoughts and beliefs. And somehow he has crept in again. I made some sort of agreement with him. Somewhere in these last months I embraced his lies and falsehoods. But they are broken in the name of Jesus. The lies hold no victory over me. Jesus blood destroys the bonds and breaks agreements made with the evil one and I am free!
I do not live under the enemies tyranny. I live under the freedom of Christ's life, death, resurrection and ascension. He has give me all power to defeat the evil one who tried to ensnare me again. Oh how frequently he sets the trap. He is a vicious one. And now the battle is clear. The enemy is in my crosshairs.
I tend to think the enemy is myself. But that's not true. He has made me new and yes the flesh, the old nature is not completely gone and there are things that must be addressed but my old nature is not strong enough to give me the battles that I face. I mean fear is far too powerful to come from that shriveled old nature.
And there is the truth. Clear now. Now that I have let him clear the cobwebs from my eyes.
Satan does not want me to write.
I truly do not believe that has ever occurred to me before. I think he allowed me to have my "little journals" as long as I kept them to myself. But to write for others to see that is far too dangerous to his agenda. I have written less this year than I have in ages and the enemy thwarts me. He steals that which connects me most closely to God. If I write and share those writings it might change my life and others lives and that is not something he is willing to risk. I know the writing changes my life. I know that the more I talk with God the more I grow, the more ah, here's a big Christian word, sanctified I become. But I don't know what else to call it. The writing purifies me. To write I have to slow enough to observe my thoughts and as I do that He gives me His truth and shows me how it applies.
I think I remember John writing about the most precious and important things are the things that Satan tries most to oppose. And I feel that...I wonder how often John feels it? Does he feel the enemy battling against the words being put on the page? I know he does. He's asked us to pray when he writes. Who will pray for me? For now I know to ask the Holy Spirit to battle for me in the heavenlies.
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