A week in review

So we are seven days into the diet changes and I'm pretty miserable, at this moment. But I want to balanced in how it's really gone so I'm going to start with the positives.

• Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I had really consistent high energy levels all day. Even when I came home from work I still had energy to burn and stayed up on my feet and cooked and cleaned the house.
• I noticed on Wednesday evening that I didn't have this burning desire to sit down and put my legs up when I got home from work. For years I've been uncomfortable in my legs and hips by evening and have wanted them up and elevated. 
• My concentration and thinking skills seem clear and focused throughout my work day. I didn't have times where I felt like I had brain fog or an inability to organize my thoughts or take in what people around me are saying. 
• I received compliments on my skin glowing and and looking hydrated. 
• I have lost weight around my middle. 
• Things that would ordinarily get me angry, upset or frustrated seemed to roll off my back. I didn't seem to get the simmering anger that sometimes happens. 
• I'm discovering things that are sweet tasting that I didn't usually think are. Spaghetti squash.
• There was a couple days when my girl parts felt really healthy.

The not so good are:

•  The sugar cravings are strong and hard.
• I had headaches all morning on several days.
• I want bread in the worst way
• By Friday I did not feel good. Protein seemed to help but the moodiness, fatigue and irritability is noticeable.
• Saturday was pretty awful. I was emotional, grumpy, wanting so many foods that are out of the question. 

Saturday's Realization

I mentioned in another post that I've had many years of struggle with yeast infections and unfortunately I think this is going to be a long drawn out siege. I'm having symptoms this week, after a couple days of feeling some real improvement. So this is something I've learned up until ovulation girl parts have a certain acidity level that generally keeps yeast away. The second half, after ovulation leading up to your period the acidity changes and an infection is more likely. I was having an infection pretty much every month prior to my period and then the period and some treatments would get it under control and then the cycle would repeat. The last two months the infections have started earlier, even during the time prior to ovulation. That's what got me really concerned. I was at almost constant infection. I've tried a detox with doTerra essential oils in January and had some relief but not a cure. I'm repeating the detox along with the diet.

But today I really came to terms with what I've suspected and that is I am looking at long term diet changes. This stuff is vicious and is probably living in my blood stream. My husband suggested I see the doctor. The reality is that doctor's don't generally think that systemic yeast infections exist. There's evidence that yeast interferes with fertility, sleep, weight loss all sorts of stuff, this is all over the internet in journal articles and studies but...most docs I have talked to and the one I did speak with here in town does not believe they exist. Mayo Clinic's website supports the idea that systemic yeast issues don't happen. But clearly it has a strong foothold in my body. So I'm sad, super sad in fact, that I will not be having bread or dairy or things that have seemed so yummy for such a long time. Some people have to stay on a strict diet for six months to a year without cheating in order to get rid of the yeast and after that have to be very careful. I'm angry that this is going to be a ton of hard work most likely and I feel like I've got enough to be working on why this? I mean really God, why give me one more challenge? I mean the good news is I will probably end up at a really healthy weight and there is nothing wrong with that but the cooking and shopping and thought that is required is a lot of work. And there's no way my husband is doing more than 30 days of this. I am still hoping that there might be some things that could make eating more enjoyable that I can add back in at 30 days. Like almond milk for my coffee, at this point I just gave up coffee, it is gross black.

At the same time I can't live like I was before. I felt awful. I don't want to go back to eating garbage but being this restricted is awful. It seems like a no win situation. And maybe in a few days I'll be far more used to this way of eating and I'll see more results and be more optimistic but for now I'm sticking to it only because I know I have to. I can't go back to being overweight, not sleeping, infected, mental fuzziness, energy peaks and valleys, that was awful, but this is hard too.

Perhaps what I really need is sleep and some time with God. Because at this point he's going to have to really move in my mind and heart in order to get a better perspective on all this.

Cleaning out the kitchen

So tomorrow my husband and I are trying a new way of eating. It was a decision that was made in the last week but it's been a long time in coming. For him, he's been steadily including more healthy habits ever since we met but...he's been increasingly grumpy about how tight his pants feel since we got married. I keep telling him that he's doing most of the cooking so maybe it's his own fault but he jokingly blames being settled down. I have suspected for years that my eating needed a major overhaul for reasons I'll detail a bit later. The thing that really stuck out to me earlier today was the wondrous aspect of having a teammate to make this change with. For the first time in my life I've got someone who is committed to make a life change with me. We're in this together and it feels different than any other time that I've tried to loose weight or exercise more or any number of healthy life changes...I have a partner.

But it's even deeper, it's a reflection of how we are taking the oneness of marriage seriously. When I brought up with him a little over a week ago how very much, for my own health and comfort, I needed to make diet changes he, without even flinching, seemed to know that my health is connected to his. I could make the changes on my own but they would be that much more lasting, powerful and easier to sustain if he was fully invested in making the changes with me. His response was not just support but joining in with me on whatever needed to happen for my health and his.

THE WARNING SIGNS: How I knew it was time to clean out the kitchen.

For those that don't like biology and yucky medical condition discussions you may want to skip this paragraph. Changing what I eat is a long time in coming. About ten years ago I had a summer of terrible stomach upset, cramping, pain and diarrhea. After weeks of paying close attention to what I was eating it was clear that I no longer tolerated much diary. Ever since then I have had horrible problems with yeast. I mean as a grown woman I have had thrush more times than I can remember. For those that don't know usually only babies get thrush, it's a yeast infection of the mouth. And since getting married and being hospitalized with IV antibiotics yeast in many locations has been my nemesis. And during ten plus years of fighting yeast I can definitively say that medical treatments are not the answer. At the same time up till this point I've only made small enough changes to reduce the symptoms for a short period of time.

I'm seriously concerned about my immune system. In the last two years I have had two major infections. Strep which lasted for four months and only ended because of a tonsillectomy and MRSA which only resolved after a week of IV drugs. I'm only 33 years old my body should fight this stuff off. After the MRSA that first I had and then my husband I knew we needed to get our immune systems functioning well. I absolutely have a ton of stress in my life and I'm well aware that it is hurting my immune system but I know that my diet is not helping. I also know there's only so many vitamins a person can take. And do we really have any idea how much the chemicals in our foods undo any good we try to do for our bodies?

I've always been a reader and a researcher and have made some good efforts to use natural non-medical interventions for various things. I've had fibromyalgia for most of my life and there's a ton of information regarding aspartame, inflammatory foods and now yeast and chronic pain. I even cut aspartame out completely a few years ago and felt a ton better. Unfortunately avoiding aspartame only lasted about 8 months.

Since getting married we've had the possibility of starting a family on our minds. I've been particularly concerned about learning to live on a daily basis without using medications. Between pregnancies and breastfeeding I'm hoping I'll have years of needing to avoid medications. I think it's better to start practicing pain management, headaches, allergies etc without medication prior to pregnancy than just having to go cold turkey.

Jettisoning medications has resulted in horrible insomnia. With fibromyalgia insomnia is often a part of the picture. Over the last few years I've generally used all natural pain remedies but had not transitioned into non-chemical sleep aides. I had no idea how much my body relied on my sleep aides. Nor did I understand how brutal life is when you can't sleep. So I turned back to researching and the more I read the more it was obvious that my diet, yeast, wheat, all sorts of foods could be part of my body's inability to regulate itself well.

Then there's the stress management. I'm pretty sure my adrenal glands are pumping out way to much cortisol. And one of the best solutions for getting hormones regulated is to change your diet.

Reading and learning related to so many health conditions the last few months has made me even more aware of how I feel when I eat. I've been so aware that good foods make me feel good and processed, sugary foods make me feel terrible. I'm tired of feeling bloated, gassy and run down after eating. And I'm even more tired of knowing what I need to do and not doing it.

We're embarking on what will be a thirty day commitment to no sugar, no chemicals, no dairy, no processed crap. Just fruit, veggies, meats, natural foods and hopefully a whole new perspective. It's pretty restrictive for the 30 days and then we'll make decisions about what to add back in.

Honest truth is I am excited and petrified. I am hopeful that I could feel vastly different but I'm dreading the sugar cravings, the work and the meals that could feel less than satisfying. I can tell that I'll be learning a lot about using spices, cooking new vegetables and conquering my desires for things that hurt my body. It's not going to be easy but it will be good.

baby feelings

Here's a crazy thing. I have mountains of journals. I write a ton. Not quiet as much since I got married and have less time to myself but I can write endlessly. And a couple years ago God made it very clear I needed to start writing publicly. So I started this blog and told no one about it. I'm being obedient right? :) Oh dear... And so as you can tell I have very few posts. I mean typically I come to this thing and have total block. I get all anxious about what I'm going to say and I get all concerned about my "audience". Geez, high school writing classes die hard.

God has been challenging me lately about the judgement I place on myself and others. He's been even more clear that I need to be writing on here, not just in my books. He and I processed all this as I'm journaling, pen to paper in another of my endless books. I asked him directly about what is going on that I'm so blocked when it comes to writing publicly. He was so clear that it's because I keep trying to write for others instead of writing for Him and myself. My physical journals are all about connecting with Him and this venue can be the same way, but see, I get blocked, by judging myself and second guessing my intuition. He's made me into this lovely woman and so often I hide it and shirk away and conceal myself because I'm so afraid. Which if you know me in the rest of my life seems so crazy. I have a job where I interface with people all day long. I lead a huge group of incredible professionals as they serve this community. I can public speak and speak my mind but perhaps like so many I am deeply afraid that if the secret part of me were known that I would be thrown out in the trash.

Hiding isn't working anymore.

I've sort of prided myself on being transparent and open with others but I'm realizing that's all relative. I don't mind sharing my personal life story and history. But I'm very careful about who I share my now with. I keep most of my present thoughts pretty guarded. I don't reach out to others and get very curious about their current world. I do in my work. I can't be a therapist or a good supervisor without being interested in people's worlds. In my work it's important that I don't mutually share my world with people. And that was really safe. It's coming to the end of it's usefulness this... wall... hiding...only peek out a little bit thing. It's time to grow. It's time to change and it starts with going way back.

I asked God where this all started. When I get in casual social situations I feel like I'm 18 months old. Seriously, I feel like everything is big and scary and I just want to cling to my mother's leg. I may know a few words but I'm too scared to speak them. It's to the point that I don't like going to church. I don't know what to say. It's this huge room of tons of people and I have no clue how to operate. I've felt this way for years at church, and I blogged about it before. But I've pretty much given into my total avoidance of going. I can't worship. I can't connect to God. I am a clingy baby the whole time with no mom to hide behind.

Now I don't have any clear memories of my life at 18 months but how is that I got stuck there? Some part of my social development is back there. That may not make sense to a lot of people but it's something we therapists notice. Emotional development happens but all of us have areas that don't necessarily grow up and we have patterns that we revert to that may be very childish. So here I am a slightly verbal, feeling like 18 or 22 months in any kind of unstructured social situation. Not true for structured ones, when I have a role or responsibility in a big social gathering I'm all good. The next question is how do I grow up? I want to...I'm done giving in to this little baby. The thing about growth is that God makes it happen. I don't have the answer yet but asking him what is going on is the first step and then asking him to help me grow is the next one. I'm going to trust him to grow me to guide me in becoming 33 socially. That sounds really good. I'd really like to be 33 on Sunday mornings.