Spinning

I can't quiet figure out what's going on with me right now. I've felt like this before where I want so much of God. I am hungry for him to fill me and I want to be close to him all the time. I crave quiet alone time with him and I'm actually getting lots of it. I'm alone a lot right now and part of me likes it that way. Another side chastens me that I should be spending time with other believers and I should be building friendships and giving to others...And then I fight back I do give to others. My entire work week is me pouring into my staff, listening to them, getting things done for them, ministering to them. And so when I'm not working I just want to curl up with God and be still and move slowly next to him. And take my time in the grocery store and relish moments when the demands to give are less.

I haven't been going to church. I just can't bring myself to. I don't want to be there. Well I do. I want to have the music and the worship but none of the people. I don't want to have to have silly conversations...wait let me be real...they're not even conversations, they are polite greetings of hello, how are you? There's no depth, which could be completely argued is my fault. I'm not giving anything to the people there. I'm not investing. But I'm tired. I don't have it to invest. Part of me really wants to. I want friendships and people who know my heart but there's only so much energy and resources inside this heart of mine. I give to my son, I give to Joseph, I give at work and Sunday mornings alone with God has become this precious life giving time. I look forward to being on the couch for hours, talking with him, reading His word and sipping on coffee, listening to his voice, it's way more precious than showing up at church. I haven't been in weeks and the only reason I feel bad about it is because I have this sense of "I should be part of the body". I can't stand should's. They get me in trouble, well making decisions based on them gets me in trouble, it gets me bound up in chains and jailed in and God wants freedom for his children.

I don't want to feel torn anymore. When I ask God about church he doesn't give me a clear answer. He talks about other things. He talks about focusing on getting enough sleep, eating right, breathing deeply. He tells me to focus on being. I think he's letting me wrestle with my own should's. When I focus on being and not doing, cause I keep ask him what I need to "do" about church, do I go somewhere else, do I keep staying home, do I go back. He avoids it all. It makes me chuckle now. I'm sure at some point this will all be clear in hindsight. So I feel the weight of a should and I can't seem to release myself from it's grip. I don't feel like God is placing it on me. I feel like I'm pulling it on myself. Maybe that's his point to show me how I burden myself more than he burden's me. I can't seem to get away from trying to live by the demands of society or Christendom. We need the body but aren't we to need him more than even the body? hmmm...round and round my mind goes, where it stops I sure don't know.

I spend time with God in the mornings before work but it's nothing like what I get to do on Sunday mornings. There's no where to be. There's no demands on my time. It is glorious. Hours of uninterrupted time to talk with Him, to listen to dig into His written word. I love it so much more than being at church. I don't want to feel guilty about luxuriating in hours of intimacy with Him. But I do every week. The anxiety builds over the weekend, I ponder, should I stay home, should I go and then when Sunday arrives and I get up at 8 and I start spending time with him I just can't stop and I don't get dressed and I don't go and I love being with him but I can't escape the nagging anxiety that somehow I am "sinning". I know at least I am not disobeying because He doesn't say a darn thing on the matter. Except for what it explicitly states in the Word about being connected to other believers. But that doesn't have to mean church per se...see my mind spinning again. Ugh! I'm going back to reading the Word, I've had enough internal battle on this topic for one morning.

I signed up for this?

God never promises happiness here on earth. Why do we Christians sell that stuff? I mean I am very certain that walking with God is hard work. He allows a whole bunch of experiences that I would rather pass on. But I don't have that choice and when I gave myself over to be His I agreed to life on His terms, not mine. This is hard work, obedience, going with his flow, fighting the battles he puts in front of me is effort. I mean I could fight him on it and try to tell him I'm not walking this path but I've rebelled before and if I think this is hard that is pure misery.