I'm reading through the Bible in what is supposed to be chronological order, and I'm sure for the most part they have it right. But that's beside the point for now. I'm in Exodus and starting Leviticus and the sacrifices are being described. And perhaps for the first time I could visualize the priests sacrificing these animals. It becomes apparent quickly that the tabernacle courts are a mess, awash with blood. I mean men come to worship and animals are gutted and the blood runs everywhere, and then the priest actually throws the blood around, and grabs different organs and burns them in a certain order.
About six years ago I lived on a farm and the owner had a nuisance permit to kill deer. I spent many midnights helping gut and cut up deer and it was a stinky nasty mess (albeit the tenderloins were wonderful to eat but the process to get them, yuck). So I'm reading about what God is commanding them to do and I think, this is worship? Really? This is a mess!
Today at most churches worship is neat and tidy and there's no guts being spilled literally or figuratively. And maybe we're missing out. Maybe God didn't intend worship to be a neat, tidy, orderly thing. Now I know there's the New Testament verse about orderly worship. But what if we've gone too far? Certainly there was a level of order and reverence that was carried out at the tabernacle but there was also a mess. And when do we ever get messy anymore? When or where do we deal with the guts and blood and the hard stuff?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Abandoned
I hadn't noticed it before. I've read the passage more times than I can count but go look for yourself. Simeon is abandoned. Genesis 42. Joseph says to his estranged brothers that he will hold Simeon as prisoner until they come back with Benjamin to Egypt. And Jacob will not hear of it. He abandons his son Simeon to rot in jail rather than risk the loss of Benjamin too. But what the heck! Does Simeon's life mean nothing? If you read to the next chapter he only let's them go back to Egypt because they're running out of food. In fact, the more I reflect on this account the more I'm mad at Jacob. I mean he's selfish. He can't stand the possibility of emotional pain and so he'll let his son, HIS SON sit in jail indefinitely.
And what did Simeon's wife and family think? I mean they must have felt betrayed, abandoned, and devalued. They are all expected to function without him, to grieve, to miss him. The rest of the brothers had their reunions with the family but Simeon's family has to hurt and ache. And Jacob sees his potential pain, the possibility of loosing Benjamin, as more important than the loss they are already experiencing. The great patriarch acts in fear and self-preservation. There is indication that he is distraught that Simeon did not return but he doesn't act or move to bring his family back together. He is passive.
God asks us to lay down our lives for one another. What did God think of Jacob's choice? The new testament would have me believe that he wants every last one of us. And I don't think He's passive. He wants us to act and, as the perfect example of love, I am confident that he persues those that are swept up by the enemy or running off on their own. He is not the passive father. He moves. He acts. He lays down everything and ignores the possibility of the rejection he may receive, the heartache that may await. And being God he already knows. He knows how hard and how painful it will be for him to pursue and not have his love returned and he does it anyway. He comes after all of us willing to pay the ransom. Yes, I am quiet sure that God would have done it differently than Jacob.
And what did Simeon's wife and family think? I mean they must have felt betrayed, abandoned, and devalued. They are all expected to function without him, to grieve, to miss him. The rest of the brothers had their reunions with the family but Simeon's family has to hurt and ache. And Jacob sees his potential pain, the possibility of loosing Benjamin, as more important than the loss they are already experiencing. The great patriarch acts in fear and self-preservation. There is indication that he is distraught that Simeon did not return but he doesn't act or move to bring his family back together. He is passive.
God asks us to lay down our lives for one another. What did God think of Jacob's choice? The new testament would have me believe that he wants every last one of us. And I don't think He's passive. He wants us to act and, as the perfect example of love, I am confident that he persues those that are swept up by the enemy or running off on their own. He is not the passive father. He moves. He acts. He lays down everything and ignores the possibility of the rejection he may receive, the heartache that may await. And being God he already knows. He knows how hard and how painful it will be for him to pursue and not have his love returned and he does it anyway. He comes after all of us willing to pay the ransom. Yes, I am quiet sure that God would have done it differently than Jacob.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Growth
Something must be very different about me. The things that happened this week years ago would have sent my emotions all over the place, and it would have been so hard to recover, but I'm really doing good. It's only when life gets hard that you see so clearly how much God has matured you, and how much you still need to grow. I mean I had emotions for sure this week. I cried, I was angry, I felt bewildered and yes it effected my concentration and engagement in my job but none of it derailed me. I needed time to process but my house is still clean in the midst of it. I got work done. I attended to some emergent needs of others. I was even able to minister to a teenager. It seems miraculous. I've learned to manage rough spots without loosing it. I couldn't tell you how it came about. I'm sure someone could analyze and come up with a bunch of factors. But the factor I know for sure is that I've been walking with God. Not perfectly for sure. I know I could have read more of the Word. I could be more plugged into relationships with others. But He is fully in charge and he's done a work in me and it is good.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Speaking Light
John 8:45 "So when I tell the truth, you just naturally don't believe me!"
Why? Jesus explains earlier that we are born not understanding Truth. We are born into the enemy camp. Now, the enemy has convinced most of the modern world that there aren't two camps. We're not in a battle, there's nothing major or significant going on. Truth is, there is no middle ground or Switzerland, each of us is fighting for God or fighting for Satan, light versus dark, whether you are aware of it or not. As such, each army has it's own "language", a way of communicating. Every modern, earthly army does the same, they have buzz words, acronyms, things that "outsiders" don't really understand. Jesus says "Anyone who belongs to God listens gladly to the words of God. But you don't listen because you don't belong to God." (John 8:47) If you're not part of the club the language doesn't make a whole lot of sense and you tune it out. It's natural.
What this means then is that the Holy Spirit must be doing some kind of "pre-work" or introduction or something because we're all born into Satan's military and some of us end up deserting to God's side. At some point you and I start to understand the other side such that we "get it" and choose.
There's a few scriptures that talk about the Words of God being foolishness to men and I didn't really get that until this morning. I tend to equate "foolishness" with "stupid" and certainly it's true that sometimes God's way of doing thing may seem "stupid" to those that don't belong to Him. But I hadn't realized that some of it just doesn't make any sense because it's so foreign.
The enemy has done this brilliant job of removing the dichotomy in the world between good and evil. I mean people write entire books and would argue for years that there is no "right" and "wrong" and good and bad. I mean we're all just cells and matter. There's nothing spiritual going on. And if that's what you know then whatever would motivate you to explore anything else?
And what if I'm not helping? What if the way I speak, the way I live is similar enough to Satan's camp that I don't appear out of place? At the same time if I speak so foreign and I'm so out of place would anyone really be interested in being near enough to me to explore the difference? And how do you speak truth in such a way that some people "get it" because Jesus himself says you're not going to get it because you don't belong to him? I can see why people throw up their hands in frustration with the scriptures. Thank goodness these versus aren't the only ones about the journey from the enemy's ranks to God's ranks.
It does not rest on me. I mean if human Abbie is all that God is relying on to bring people from one camp to the other then things are not going to go very well. There's more. There's all these other versus about God chasing us, and coming after people, and knocking on their hearts and that's His spirit. His spirit is working, giving people the translation, exposing them to humans that, at least for a few moments, have hit the right balance in speaking light that is understandable.
I want to speak understandable light. I want to bring his truth into the enemy's camp. I don't want to blend in but I don't want to be the laughingstock either. There's scripture about people who speak or live carrying his truth being a sweet aroma. I want to draw a trail of new recruits back to God's ranks. But I'm going to relax about the whole thing. The Holy Spirit goes before me. He's preparing the way so at the moments I do give off enough light, when I smell sweet, that those who He's made ready will follow.
Why? Jesus explains earlier that we are born not understanding Truth. We are born into the enemy camp. Now, the enemy has convinced most of the modern world that there aren't two camps. We're not in a battle, there's nothing major or significant going on. Truth is, there is no middle ground or Switzerland, each of us is fighting for God or fighting for Satan, light versus dark, whether you are aware of it or not. As such, each army has it's own "language", a way of communicating. Every modern, earthly army does the same, they have buzz words, acronyms, things that "outsiders" don't really understand. Jesus says "Anyone who belongs to God listens gladly to the words of God. But you don't listen because you don't belong to God." (John 8:47) If you're not part of the club the language doesn't make a whole lot of sense and you tune it out. It's natural.
What this means then is that the Holy Spirit must be doing some kind of "pre-work" or introduction or something because we're all born into Satan's military and some of us end up deserting to God's side. At some point you and I start to understand the other side such that we "get it" and choose.
There's a few scriptures that talk about the Words of God being foolishness to men and I didn't really get that until this morning. I tend to equate "foolishness" with "stupid" and certainly it's true that sometimes God's way of doing thing may seem "stupid" to those that don't belong to Him. But I hadn't realized that some of it just doesn't make any sense because it's so foreign.
The enemy has done this brilliant job of removing the dichotomy in the world between good and evil. I mean people write entire books and would argue for years that there is no "right" and "wrong" and good and bad. I mean we're all just cells and matter. There's nothing spiritual going on. And if that's what you know then whatever would motivate you to explore anything else?
And what if I'm not helping? What if the way I speak, the way I live is similar enough to Satan's camp that I don't appear out of place? At the same time if I speak so foreign and I'm so out of place would anyone really be interested in being near enough to me to explore the difference? And how do you speak truth in such a way that some people "get it" because Jesus himself says you're not going to get it because you don't belong to him? I can see why people throw up their hands in frustration with the scriptures. Thank goodness these versus aren't the only ones about the journey from the enemy's ranks to God's ranks.
It does not rest on me. I mean if human Abbie is all that God is relying on to bring people from one camp to the other then things are not going to go very well. There's more. There's all these other versus about God chasing us, and coming after people, and knocking on their hearts and that's His spirit. His spirit is working, giving people the translation, exposing them to humans that, at least for a few moments, have hit the right balance in speaking light that is understandable.
I want to speak understandable light. I want to bring his truth into the enemy's camp. I don't want to blend in but I don't want to be the laughingstock either. There's scripture about people who speak or live carrying his truth being a sweet aroma. I want to draw a trail of new recruits back to God's ranks. But I'm going to relax about the whole thing. The Holy Spirit goes before me. He's preparing the way so at the moments I do give off enough light, when I smell sweet, that those who He's made ready will follow.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Story
We call them stories. I heard it again tonight. I think we do these mighty events a huge disservice by pairing them with the word "story". In today's English this word connotes being unreal, fantasy, or a fairy tale. The mighty works of God are not just "stories". Pairing the events with the word story is another way for the enemy to diminish the Word of God.
It's a tricky thing because we love stories. We have billions of dollars of industry that revolve around creating stories, either in books or movies. Stories speak to our hear, they teach us, they help us remember what's important. Jesus used story to teach. There's nothing wrong with stories.
But we don't call World War One a story. We don't say let me tell you the story of the Vietnam War. It's almost offensive to reduce the sacrifice, pain and suffering in these events by putting the word story anywhere in the sentence. Yet, we speak of the Word being "full of stories" Yuck. There he said it again. (I'm writing this during a sermon.) It's not the story of Abraham. It's the historical account of what happened years ago. It happened, it's real. I mean if someone listened to the events of my childhood and then said, "Wow, what a story!" I would agree to an extent but yet it feels funny. It feels like some part of what I shared is mystical. Abraham's pain was real. My pain is real. God's pain, Word and actions are real.
We, the church, help people deny the reality of the cross, sin and heaven and hell by calling them stories. It's not wrong. I mean I don't think God is mad that we refer to these epic events as stories. But are we helping the world know the reality of their situation?
It's a tricky thing because we love stories. We have billions of dollars of industry that revolve around creating stories, either in books or movies. Stories speak to our hear, they teach us, they help us remember what's important. Jesus used story to teach. There's nothing wrong with stories.
But we don't call World War One a story. We don't say let me tell you the story of the Vietnam War. It's almost offensive to reduce the sacrifice, pain and suffering in these events by putting the word story anywhere in the sentence. Yet, we speak of the Word being "full of stories" Yuck. There he said it again. (I'm writing this during a sermon.) It's not the story of Abraham. It's the historical account of what happened years ago. It happened, it's real. I mean if someone listened to the events of my childhood and then said, "Wow, what a story!" I would agree to an extent but yet it feels funny. It feels like some part of what I shared is mystical. Abraham's pain was real. My pain is real. God's pain, Word and actions are real.
We, the church, help people deny the reality of the cross, sin and heaven and hell by calling them stories. It's not wrong. I mean I don't think God is mad that we refer to these epic events as stories. But are we helping the world know the reality of their situation?
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Charmed
I'm finally reading it. Orthodoxy by G.K. Chesterson. I've seen it quoted by so many people in so many places. I was frankly a little intimidated. Every quote I've seen is so cerebral but I was delighted that he just writes from his heart and his head mixed in. And yes, at times he's a bit hard to follow because he is reasoning with some pretty big words and writing a hundred years ago when we used some words a bit differently but he's so real. I mean it doesn't feel like he put together some fancy outline and then reasoned out his six supporting points. It's just his thoughts, fueled by passion and illustrated with quirky examples. It draws me in, makes me smile and makes me pause. What he says is profound. And I don't get everything he says but I can see why so many have read it and quoted it and will continue to do so.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Thin
Lately I've been reading all sorts of books on my iphone. But I'm cheap so I only download the free ones which basically means you get a pile of old classics. Which is just as well because most of them I haven't read. When you do read these older books you are introduced to entirely different ways to use the English language. I mean people used words differently and strung sentences together differently. So somewhere in the midst of all this reading I must have come across the concept of feeling pulled thin. It's hard to fully describe until you've experienced it and I didn't fully get it when I read it until this week. I feel a taughtness and a stretching in my emotions and my spirit that are best described as being thin. So much that something falling on me the wrong way might shatter me. But it's not a fragile feeling. I've felt fragile before, this is full of tension and stress. But stress really isn't it either. There's so much on my plate and my routine is off because I am spending so much more time with Donovan and the demands seem higher this week and I could ramble on and on but really I want to be restored. I want to return to the stable, healthy, balanced emotional state and spiritual connection that I have when I feel whole and peaceful and all those good warm fuzzy things. But I could live without the warm fuzzy just a release from the sensation that every bit of me is being pulled at. It's too much.
What say ye, Lord? (It's the old books I'm reading, they write things like that :) Peace, my peace be unto you, my peace I leave with you. I do not give as the world gives. Caleb would be happy it worked. He had us sing scripture on Sunday because that's how they used to memorize it a long time ago and that's what came to mind. I can't seem to remember the last part but that's it. He has left me peace. The Holy Spirit is peace and since the Spirit lives in me then there is peace in me.
Ah! this is it: Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. Afraid I'm not troubled yes. His peace wipes out the troubled heart. The Holy Spirit brushes it all away. Oh how truth immediately begins the restoration. Eyes off of earthly trouble and pressure and onto the real bread, the pure truth. It's all easing. Hmm, if it's that simple...but it's not sometimes the agreements are deeper the battle is deeper but tonight it is simple solution and less of a battle. Probably because last night I fought a bigger one. I broke the agreements that I've made and the enemy has less amo to sling against me today.
Oh rejoice my soul. Thank you dear Lord for letting the pressure out of the valve. You know how to heal me and fix me and make me into the loveliest person. So many nice things were said about her tonight and I wonder and hope that the same would be said about me. But I fear not. Wondering doubting...the enemy wants me to devalue myself and I will not succumb. I will not give him what he wants. God is sovereign and I am today exactly as he wants me to be in his imperfect will. Someday in heaven I will be how his perfect will desires me to be. Oh glorious things to look forward to.
What say ye, Lord? (It's the old books I'm reading, they write things like that :) Peace, my peace be unto you, my peace I leave with you. I do not give as the world gives. Caleb would be happy it worked. He had us sing scripture on Sunday because that's how they used to memorize it a long time ago and that's what came to mind. I can't seem to remember the last part but that's it. He has left me peace. The Holy Spirit is peace and since the Spirit lives in me then there is peace in me.
Ah! this is it: Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. Afraid I'm not troubled yes. His peace wipes out the troubled heart. The Holy Spirit brushes it all away. Oh how truth immediately begins the restoration. Eyes off of earthly trouble and pressure and onto the real bread, the pure truth. It's all easing. Hmm, if it's that simple...but it's not sometimes the agreements are deeper the battle is deeper but tonight it is simple solution and less of a battle. Probably because last night I fought a bigger one. I broke the agreements that I've made and the enemy has less amo to sling against me today.
Oh rejoice my soul. Thank you dear Lord for letting the pressure out of the valve. You know how to heal me and fix me and make me into the loveliest person. So many nice things were said about her tonight and I wonder and hope that the same would be said about me. But I fear not. Wondering doubting...the enemy wants me to devalue myself and I will not succumb. I will not give him what he wants. God is sovereign and I am today exactly as he wants me to be in his imperfect will. Someday in heaven I will be how his perfect will desires me to be. Oh glorious things to look forward to.
Monday, October 25, 2010
avoidance
I am a writer. I think in story. I feel story. I have a zillion glimpses of stories I'd like to write but nothing that is a complete whole. I started this because I knew I needed to start putting my thoughts out beyond myself and God but then I avoid. I wrote about fear months ago but I am so afraid of rejection, of scorn that I keep it all to myself. And isn't that selfish?
I read C.S. Lewis's Four Loves years ago and I think it did in my mind what it does in everyone's mind it made me question my affections for others and what really drove me to express anything positive towards people. Isn't true that I love myself so much, I seek self-preservation to the nth degree and so I hoard the wisdom.
It's not my wisdom. It's His. He can dispense it as he pleases, pass it around, spread it any which way but he puts some of it in my heart and yet I can write it in lined spiral books that I keep treasured on my shelf but I cannot share. Like a three year old that clings to the dollar store teddy bear that any parent could go out and purchase but I will not let go for just a moment and let the other kid have it while he wails from a scraped knee.
I have a whole collection of ideas for a book. I have note cards filled with topics that all relate to one another. It's all wisdom he's allowed me to collect but do I write? No. I read. I sit and view Facebook or I read old novels. And what's wrong with reading, nothing much but do I read His Word? No that seems scary right now too. I avoid. I push away all that seems too much or potentially painful. As if He would harm me? No. He is good. All good. Even things that seem painful last only for the briefest time and the goodness flows from them.
And He has given me a new heart. I am a new creation. The old has gone the new has come. I have his life and courage and triumph in me because I submit myself to him...but where is my walk? Do I live victoriously? No. Defeated, afraid, pressed, crushed, abandoned. Those seem to fit better but they are not true. I scream at myself that is not truth but something in me has a foothold. I have embraced the lies and the enemy seeks to take over bit by bit of my thoughts and beliefs. And somehow he has crept in again. I made some sort of agreement with him. Somewhere in these last months I embraced his lies and falsehoods. But they are broken in the name of Jesus. The lies hold no victory over me. Jesus blood destroys the bonds and breaks agreements made with the evil one and I am free!
I do not live under the enemies tyranny. I live under the freedom of Christ's life, death, resurrection and ascension. He has give me all power to defeat the evil one who tried to ensnare me again. Oh how frequently he sets the trap. He is a vicious one. And now the battle is clear. The enemy is in my crosshairs.
I tend to think the enemy is myself. But that's not true. He has made me new and yes the flesh, the old nature is not completely gone and there are things that must be addressed but my old nature is not strong enough to give me the battles that I face. I mean fear is far too powerful to come from that shriveled old nature.
And there is the truth. Clear now. Now that I have let him clear the cobwebs from my eyes.
Satan does not want me to write.
I truly do not believe that has ever occurred to me before. I think he allowed me to have my "little journals" as long as I kept them to myself. But to write for others to see that is far too dangerous to his agenda. I have written less this year than I have in ages and the enemy thwarts me. He steals that which connects me most closely to God. If I write and share those writings it might change my life and others lives and that is not something he is willing to risk. I know the writing changes my life. I know that the more I talk with God the more I grow, the more ah, here's a big Christian word, sanctified I become. But I don't know what else to call it. The writing purifies me. To write I have to slow enough to observe my thoughts and as I do that He gives me His truth and shows me how it applies.
I think I remember John writing about the most precious and important things are the things that Satan tries most to oppose. And I feel that...I wonder how often John feels it? Does he feel the enemy battling against the words being put on the page? I know he does. He's asked us to pray when he writes. Who will pray for me? For now I know to ask the Holy Spirit to battle for me in the heavenlies.
I read C.S. Lewis's Four Loves years ago and I think it did in my mind what it does in everyone's mind it made me question my affections for others and what really drove me to express anything positive towards people. Isn't true that I love myself so much, I seek self-preservation to the nth degree and so I hoard the wisdom.
It's not my wisdom. It's His. He can dispense it as he pleases, pass it around, spread it any which way but he puts some of it in my heart and yet I can write it in lined spiral books that I keep treasured on my shelf but I cannot share. Like a three year old that clings to the dollar store teddy bear that any parent could go out and purchase but I will not let go for just a moment and let the other kid have it while he wails from a scraped knee.
I have a whole collection of ideas for a book. I have note cards filled with topics that all relate to one another. It's all wisdom he's allowed me to collect but do I write? No. I read. I sit and view Facebook or I read old novels. And what's wrong with reading, nothing much but do I read His Word? No that seems scary right now too. I avoid. I push away all that seems too much or potentially painful. As if He would harm me? No. He is good. All good. Even things that seem painful last only for the briefest time and the goodness flows from them.
And He has given me a new heart. I am a new creation. The old has gone the new has come. I have his life and courage and triumph in me because I submit myself to him...but where is my walk? Do I live victoriously? No. Defeated, afraid, pressed, crushed, abandoned. Those seem to fit better but they are not true. I scream at myself that is not truth but something in me has a foothold. I have embraced the lies and the enemy seeks to take over bit by bit of my thoughts and beliefs. And somehow he has crept in again. I made some sort of agreement with him. Somewhere in these last months I embraced his lies and falsehoods. But they are broken in the name of Jesus. The lies hold no victory over me. Jesus blood destroys the bonds and breaks agreements made with the evil one and I am free!
I do not live under the enemies tyranny. I live under the freedom of Christ's life, death, resurrection and ascension. He has give me all power to defeat the evil one who tried to ensnare me again. Oh how frequently he sets the trap. He is a vicious one. And now the battle is clear. The enemy is in my crosshairs.
I tend to think the enemy is myself. But that's not true. He has made me new and yes the flesh, the old nature is not completely gone and there are things that must be addressed but my old nature is not strong enough to give me the battles that I face. I mean fear is far too powerful to come from that shriveled old nature.
And there is the truth. Clear now. Now that I have let him clear the cobwebs from my eyes.
Satan does not want me to write.
I truly do not believe that has ever occurred to me before. I think he allowed me to have my "little journals" as long as I kept them to myself. But to write for others to see that is far too dangerous to his agenda. I have written less this year than I have in ages and the enemy thwarts me. He steals that which connects me most closely to God. If I write and share those writings it might change my life and others lives and that is not something he is willing to risk. I know the writing changes my life. I know that the more I talk with God the more I grow, the more ah, here's a big Christian word, sanctified I become. But I don't know what else to call it. The writing purifies me. To write I have to slow enough to observe my thoughts and as I do that He gives me His truth and shows me how it applies.
I think I remember John writing about the most precious and important things are the things that Satan tries most to oppose. And I feel that...I wonder how often John feels it? Does he feel the enemy battling against the words being put on the page? I know he does. He's asked us to pray when he writes. Who will pray for me? For now I know to ask the Holy Spirit to battle for me in the heavenlies.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Random Stress
How is it that some days the stress seems so intense? I mean life may not be all that different than it was yesterday but for some reason on this particular day the usual pressures seem so much more unbearable. And there's no good reason for it. Sometimes wouldn't it be nice to have some kind of USB socket in my side that I could plug myself into a computer and get a lengthy description of why today things are off? It would be so much easier that way. Then I would know just how to perk myself again. Yet I know the real answer...
Plug into God. I mean if I sat here and waited quietly, listening, praising, seeking, being in His presence it would all right itself. But what do I do in reality: sit tapping my feet, flipping channels on tv, arms folded across my chest, jaw clenched wondering why the stress won't dissipate.
What keeps me from accessing the answer? What's the deal? He has given me everything I need for life and yet I avoid, ignore, even when His spirit prompts me.
Plug into God. I mean if I sat here and waited quietly, listening, praising, seeking, being in His presence it would all right itself. But what do I do in reality: sit tapping my feet, flipping channels on tv, arms folded across my chest, jaw clenched wondering why the stress won't dissipate.
What keeps me from accessing the answer? What's the deal? He has given me everything I need for life and yet I avoid, ignore, even when His spirit prompts me.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Busy
So I'm reading other people's blogs the last few days. They're inspiring, interesting, challenging and it reminds me that I have one. So tonight I go back and look at it and I realize that my last entry was just a couple weeks before God made a dream come true.
Since I started college one of my dreams (I have many, some of which don't seem to fit together) was to oversee programming for children and families. When I attended Focus on the Family Institute I only half-jokingly expressed that I would like to run Focus on the Family someday. Just a week and a half after my October post my boss resigned his position and on November 11th 2009 I was named Interim Program Director. In the 30th year of my life I was blessed with a position bigger than I dreamed would be possible prior to even being fully licensed as a counselor. It was and continues to be surreal. On the first of February I was selected for the permanent position. Amazing, incredible, a beautiful undeserved gift.
What is not surprising is that this place he has ushered me into has pressed me to confront fear in ways I didn't imagine. I am actively and successfully dealing with relationships and complicated situations that scare me to death and He is paving the way, showing me the ropes, guiding my words. It is like living in the middle of a miracle every day. I mean I've made a zillion mistakes already. But for the first time in a long time I'm accepting myself just as I am afraid, uncertain, making mistakes. I don't fret over the mistakes for days, beating myself up thinking I could have done it differently. I am giving myself permission to be a human, in a totally huge and awesome position for which a team of people believed I was ready. And most importantly a God who made the whole universe who knows without a doubt that this is where I am supposed to be now.
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